Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML
25 comments — May 16
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Today, I fell into a hole. And by hole, I mean a sewer. FML
43 comments — May 16
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Today, my boyfriend walked in on me as I was browsing a baby name website. I explained to him that I was naming characters for a novel I was planning to write, but he is completely convinced that I'm pregnant, and has even told his parents. FML
71 comments — May 16
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Today, I found out that I am allergic to grass, and not supposed to mow lawns. My job is mowing lawns. FML
77 comments — May 16
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Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML
109 comments — May 16
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Today, my girlfriend confessed that she was scared that she was more in love with me than I in her, and that she was afraid I would leave her. So she left me instead. I'd been thinking about proposing. FML
96 comments — May 16
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Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML
136 comments — May 15
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Today, I found out the hard way that it is possible to sunburn the soles of your feet. FML
97 comments — May 15
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Today, my fiancée called our engagement off, because apparently she's actually a complete idiot who will believe anything that a slimy con artist tells her. In this case, a "psychic" who mumbled some shit about me having "a dark aura." FML
236 comments — May 15
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Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML
133 comments — May 15
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Today, I was told the Mandarin greeting that my new Chinese friends at school taught me was not really a greeting at all. I've been proclaiming "I'm a dumb bitch" every time I've greeted them, almost every day for the past month. FML
189 comments — May 15
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Today, I'm on a trip to Poland with some friends. We came to experience the country's culture, and to challenge our preconceptions about this part of Europe. We had sat on a bench, and not ten seconds later, a stranger approached and asked, "How much for your friend?" FML
110 comments — May 15
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Today, my mom was giving me a long lecture about being aware of my surroundings, because you never know what's out there. While she was talking, I noticed a drug deal going down in the Walmart parking lot. She didn't notice. FML
143 comments — May 15
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